The Thanksgiving in October.
I'm sure that at one point or another people have heard me lament the timing of the Canadian Thanksgiving, because I do so almost every year.  I don't need a holiday now.  I need a holiday in mid-November, a month which conspicuously lacks a long weekend.  In Ontario, Remembrance day isn't even a statutory holiday.

So, as you see, we have PROBLEMS.

I have no solutions, however, so instead I thought I'd write down what I remember from the plot of Jurassic Park 2.  Which I have not seen in some years.


Alright, so the film opens and there's a little rich girl running around by the ocean.  Soon she runs right into a little dinosaur and the audience goes "awww, dinosaurs.  I remember when I was a child."  Then the little dinosaurs eat her and her mother screams.

Back in the United States of America, Jeff Goldblum is visiting Doctor Hammond, which is strange because those are the only two characters from the first movie who are returning for round two, and they both died in the original novel.  Doctor Hammond has some STRANGE and WONDERFUL news!

"Jeff Goldblum!" exclaims Dr. Hammond, "Do you remember when I gave you a tour of an island full of dinosaurs?"

"I remember that different sources report I was killed or nearly killed," replies Jeff Goldblum "Did I mention I am a mathematician?  Here, allow me to prove it to you mathematically."

"That's okay, Jeff Goldblum.  The point of the matter is I actually have ANOTHER island full of dinosaurs!  Isn't that AWESOME?"

"It seems mathematically unlikely, given the cost of owning and operating an island full of dinosaurs and the technology to clone and raise not one but two ENTIRE ISLANDS full of dinosaurs, but you're a crazy guy Dr. Hammond.  Chaos theory cannot predict just how many islands full of dinosaurs you might own."

"Spare me your number-centric jibber-jabber, Jeff Goldblum.  Now there's good news and there's bad news about the island full of dinosaurs, or Jurassic Park two, as some of us have been known to refer to it."  Here Doc Hammond gestures aimlessly at the decorations adorning his eccentric billionaire office.  "The bad news is the boys over at corporate have decided I spend too much company capital investing in islands full of dinosaurs and they're taking control of the island full of dinosaurs away from me.  They plan to exploit the dinosaurs and probably do something stupid like import a Tyrannosaurus Rex into the middle of San Francisco.  But the good news is I already sent your girlfriend there so that you'd have to go save her!"

"Can I bring my spunky adopted daughter sidekick?  It's mathematically proven that she will raise this film's appeal with eight to twelve year olds."

"Smashing!"

And so Jeff Goldblum and his spunky adopted daughter sidekick flew to the island full of dinosaurs, where they met Jeff Goldblum's girlfriend and the Dinosaur Hunter and a bunch of other people who probably got killed by dinosaurs.

"Hi, Jeff Goldblum," said Jeff Goldblum's girlfriend in greeting.  "This island full of dinosaurs is pretty great.  Did you know there are dinosaurs here?  I study them or something, so having an island full of them is a pretty good deal for me."

"I hunt dinosaurs," added the Dinosaur Hunter, appearing from the shadows.  "They are the ultimate game."

"Sick," responded Jeff Goldblum.  "I spent the flight here devising a mathematically sound plan to make sure we all get off this ridiculous island of dinosaurs alive, calculated from data gathered from the last time I was on an island of dinosaurs and was nearly eaten alive.  Basically all we have to do is wait around in our RV until the helicopters come to get us."

"That's cool," said the Dinosaur Hunter.  "I'm going to go grab a baby T-Rex so I can kill it's parents."

"I am going to need to add some additional variables to my complex arithmetics to account for this development," sighed a resigned Jeff Goldblum.  "Let me get back to you after I go fight with my girlfriend some about taking off to remote islands full of dinosaurs without telling me."

As the Dinosaur Hunter slides back into the shadows, Jeff Goldblum's wife asserts pre-emptively "I'm a woman making it on my own, Jeff Goldblum.  Your charming masculine wiles can't stand between me and an island full of dinosaurs!"

"Honey," rebuts Jeff Goldblum, "I just think if we're going to start a multicultural family together with my spunky sidekick daughter, you should maybe tell somebody if you're going to go put your life in imminent peril.  Now if you'll excuse me I have to go figure out how likely it is that we all die."

Jeff Goldblum's girlfriend considers for a moment that Jeff Goldblum's cultural heritage seems to be something crossed with Austrian and Extraterrestrial before getting distracted by the fact that she's on an island full of dinosaurs.  This causes her to forget her feminist agenda and she says "That's okay I forgive you," before retiring to the RV to get Jeff Goldblum a beer and cook him a steak.

Hours later, Jeff Goldblum is enjoying his third beer.  He's done some calculations and feels confident stating "If Dinosaur Hunter abducts a baby T-Rex, we are almost certainly going to get our asses handed to us." But right before he can do it, Dinosaur Hunter arrives on the scene with a baby T-Rex he's abducted.  Then I guess he gets eaten because I don't remember anything more about him.  But now the insane Tyrannosaurus Rex couple is going to come calling and everyone feels better because they learned that Tyrannosaurs might hunt in pairs when they're raising young.

But mostly the RV gets trashed and a bunch of kids get eaten.

"We've got to go find the company outpost station transmitter place!" yells someone.

"Sick," comments Jeff Goldblum.

And somewhere in here corporate sends over a bunch of helicopters full of soldiers who start going all martial law on the dinosaurs.

Then, later, anyone who wasn't important has died and Jeff Goldblum has succeeded in saving his family from the island of dinosaurs.  Corporate's flying in with ice cream for everyone and a lesson about how one shouldn't tamper with nature.  Also they've caught a Tyrannosaurus Rex and they're going to send it San Francisco.

Jeff Goldblum says something like "Guys, the sheer probability of an influx of Tyrannosaurs resulting in catastrophic consequences is too high to even entertain doubt," but the boys from corporate have no idea what that means so they do it anyway.

Then, suddenly, that shit gets loose and runs amok in downtown where ever.  Along the way it befriends a small boy while it stops to drink from his pool and eat his dog.  And flips some taxi cabs.  Jeff Goldblum swings in on a Helicopter and winks at the camera while saying "A Tyrannosaurus Rex running madly through the streets of our cities is a metaphor for the human obsession with scientific progress gone mad."  Then he delivers the killing blow and electrocutes the T-Rex and everyone inside the T-Rex who had been eaten.

Or maybe that was Jaws.  That might have been how they killed Jaws in one of the Jaws movies.

But at any rate good wins, and Jeff Goldblum either marries his girlfriend or someone much hotter, and his spunky adopted daughter sidekick loves him for it.


Good Story!

I should probably write something about recent television at some point.  Life is so action packed!  That must be why people I know keep getting hit by cars!